I keep these questions literally in my back pocket.
It happens to the best of us … you’re at a party, drink in hand, and someone asks, “So, what do you do?”
You answer. And then you ask them the same thing back.
And so begins the dreadful journey of small talk … then it’s the commute, the weather, the construction down the street.
All the while, somewhere in the back of your mind you’re calculating how long you have to stay before you can politely leave.
Nobody loves small talk. And yet we all keep doing it.
I was at a party like that the other night and it was wall-to-wall small talk. It drove me batty.
To make matters worse, I backed into a candle and set my jacket on fire. Which felt like adding insult to injury. (Or maybe injury to injury.)
Even though I know a lot of people, there are times I feel lonely. Times I wish I had more friends, or a deeper relationship with the friends I’ve got.
So over the last few years, I’ve taken on board that I need to learn how to be a good host. It’s not a natural gift for me. It’s a learned one, and it means stepping into some discomfort.
Skip the small talk
The conversations beyond small talk ask a little more of us, but they’re far more rewarding.
The default questions — What do you do? How many kids do you have? How long have you lived here? — are safe and easy and … boring. They keep everyone exactly where they started.
But whether you’re hosting your closest friends or people you’ve only just met, the interesting work is the same: accelerate connection, intimacy and vulnerability as much as you can.
4 better questions
Tonight, I’m hosting a dinner. It’s going to be me plus four other people.
One I’ve known for 20 years. One for 15. And two I’ve met exactly once. (And none of them know each other.)
I’ve kept it to five on purpose, because bigger groups tend to splinter, and it gets hard for everyone to feel heard.
And I have four questions in my back pocket. Literally, in my back pocket.
After we introduce ourselves, I’ll ask everyone to pick one:
What are you waiting for?
What’s it time to release?
How are you underestimated?
What’s whispering to you from the future?
I don’t really mind which one anyone picks. Whichever they choose will most likely be meaningful for them, and meaningful for the rest of us too.
Try one
This is exactly what we’re thinking about for Stay Curious LIVE: how do you scale connection, so people walk away feeling better known, and knowing others in a new way, rather than just having had a whole lot of content?
But you don’t need a conference or a big event or even a dinner party. Next time you’re with someone (a colleague, a neighbour, a friend you haven’t really talked to in a while, someone dressed up as Agamemnon at this weekend’s Halloween soiree), skip “that weather, hey?” and pick one of these questions instead to see where it takes you.
Worst case, it beats talking about traffic.
