My “friendship at a glance” scoreboard.
I’ve ended up knowing quite a lot of people.
I don’t think of myself as particularly extroverted or social, but a combination of having various lives in various cities, hosting 1,000-ish podcast episodes over the years, being on hundreds of other peoples’ pods, becoming slightly well-known for The Coaching Habit, hosting The Conspiracy community, joining various other communities, trying things out, getting old, and so on and so forth … all that means that I know people; and even more people know me.
What I’ve slowly learned is that quality trumps quantity. (You’d probably already figured that out.)
Over the last few years, I’ve come up with a system that is helping me give time and love and all those good things to the people who matter to me most.
It’s inspired by Robin Dunbar, the British academic who has posited that we have capacity for just 150 friends. (His book.) Not all friends are equal. Within that 150, you have various inner circles, each one reflecting deeper levels of love, vulnerability, and commitment.
Here’s my version. It doesn’t include family, which is its whole other thing.
D15s: My 15 closest friends. If they’d ask me to come, I’d do all I could to get on a plane to be there for them. My goal is to talk to them once every couple of months.
D50s: The next 50 people who make me think and laugh. They’re people I want to know better. If I’m in the city where they are, I’ll try to see them and hopefully have a meal with them. I aim to be in touch with them twice a year.
D150s: The balance of the 150. People I like and who intrigue me. I’d like to be in touch with them once a year. Most often it’s a text check-in.
Acting on this system
Step one is assigning people to different categories. You’re right, it is a little cold-blooded. And what’s more, I’m regularly moving people up and down, in and out. Am I judging them? No. But am I judging the relationship, me+them? Absolutely. Is it awkward when people ask, “Am I in your D50s?” Mmm-hmm.
Step two is to be connected. Calling 15 people six times a year doesn’t sound that much, but it’s almost two calls per week. My D15s are scattered around the world, so it takes some planning. Same with the D50s. I’m also committed to being with the people who reach out to me.
Step three is to track how well I’m doing. I’ve got a system on my phone where people in my contacts have a symbol next to them that represents family, D15, D50, or D150. So at a glance, I can get a sense of how well I’m doing.
Reciprocity
Part of what I hope from this is that more people will reach out to me, invite me to things, and call me into their circle.
It happens a little less than I thought it might.
I had a phase of feeling a bit huffy about it all, until I realized that what I was really seeking was those moments of connection and friendship. That’s already the gift, the act of reciprocity. Being invited by someone is a bonus, not a requirement. I can do the inviting.
That said, I do move people up and down categories based on that sense of give and take. If things feel a little too one way, there’s a reassignment.
If you say Yes to this …
I only have so much compassion and capacity. I want to make sure the people I love get their hefty share of it. That means I need to not give time and attention to other people. At times, that definitely feels bad. I’ve got my share of folks who’d love more of me, and I’m not willing to give it.
Do I have a small, stony heart? Maybe.
But this isn’t that. It’s understanding that one way of being an adult is to make choices, and choices always bring some guilt (“I wish I could do it all.”) and anxiety (“Have I made the right choice?”).
This is a time when people feel lonely and anxious. We could all do with Me ➡︎ We.
Step 1: Pick your people. Step 2: Be the person who says hello.
